


End My Suffering

by ReloadTheWorld



Series: I Was Lost And There He Was [1]
Category: Jake Gyllenhaal - Fandom, Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies), non - Fandom
Genre: Acting, Actor Tom Holland, Bad Flirting, Boyfriends, Crushes, Denial of Feelings, Developing Relationship, Drama & Romance, Feelings, Fluff, Gay, Hugs, I'm Bad At Tagging, Implied Relationships, Jake Gyllenhaal - Freeform, Laughter, M/M, Smile, boy saves boy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-05
Updated: 2020-05-15
Packaged: 2020-11-23 23:50:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,264
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20898167
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ReloadTheWorld/pseuds/ReloadTheWorld
Summary: Liking someone who doesn't like you back is shitty, shittier when you have to be around them almost every second of every day, and the shittiest when you have no idea if they like you back or not and you're constantly doubting, wondering, thinking, screaming, pleadingthat they do.





	1. Denial

**Author's Note:**

> Heyo!!! I haven't made anything new in a while and I wanted to even though I'm typing on a 3ds [shhhh I'm grounded I have my ways] so I made this because I've been really into this ship and no one talks about it that much. I wrote 7 pages of this in just one day, but I decided to break it into parts The next thing I write I plan on being super personal so look out for that :]
> 
> REMEMBER TO COMMENT :]]]]]

* * *

Liking someone who doesn't like you back is shitty, shittier when you have to be around them almost every second of every day, and the shittiest when you have no idea if they like you back or not and you're constantly doubting, wondering, thinking, screaming, _pleading_ that they do. 

Unfortunately, I've experienced this occurrence time and time before; I'm an actor. I travel. I meet people. I make friends– friends can become an understatement– I mean, I've gone over the entire process for a lifetime and a half. I know the signs, I know how to not let it get in the way of production, I know all there is to know other than if someone likes me back or not. I've struggled with it for 15, almost 20 years and it never gets easier, hell it never was easy.

Either it ends badly or it never began in the first place. I may act with confidence and bravado, but the truth is, I'm kind of scared. Scratch that, I'm always a little scared. I jump into everything that I'm offered at full force; jobs, innovations, events, friendships- but when someone offers their love? Their trust? If they don't end up running first, I do. It's cliche, but I've been hurt so many times by people I trusted that I've lost count. Friendship is easy, friends are good... it's only when your brain and your heart catch hands that you wish to slap them away.

Yes, I know that life hurts and people suck and "we'll never get the best out of life if we don't do the best at what scares us!" I've studied several religions (Buddism being my favorite) I've studied their values and put to practice their ideas and customs; I've learned my strengths and weaknesses and how valuable I can be, I am NOT a broken person, but I can be broken. It doesn't last forever, but when you're in my line of work, you can't afford to break when you're supposed to be a happy go lucky go-getter ray of sunshine who does their job right and doesn't let mishaps get in the way of their career. 

But in my current predicament, letting go and shattering is just the same as holding on and warping until I crack. Either way it goes, running away or jumping in, it doesn't matter anymore. Both outcomes hold the same pile of glass, the same broken mess I'm not supposed to be. So would giving into what I want and reaching for it this time really be all so bad?

* * *

Meeting Tom was like any other friendly business greet. We met at a cozy, casual diner and instantly hit it off; he's funny, dorky charm plucking a string, no, several strings in me. We had only talked for 2 hours, but it felt like I knew him for years. Now Tom and I are super close [platontically, obviously]. We've been all over Mexico and Italy and _everywhere, _venturing film sites and exploring the cities; but acting together is my favorite thing to do. Watching how he cascades into character so smoothly is astounding to witness. He's so dedicated to his role that even I am slightly envious.

I'm having as much fun with Tom as I did with Ryan when we filmed _Life_, except with Ryan, I only felt platonic, innocent, wholesome brother love. It's sorta... sad. I almost wish I felt the same way about Tom that I do Ryan so I wouldn't have to go through this whole _Friends Love Rejection_ thing again. It's slow and painful, the suspense is unbearable. The same strings from when we met have now multiplied and formed an orchestra of beautiful yet aching melodies. 

It makes me feel like a bit of a creep, honestly. He's in his 20's, I'm almost 40. It feels wrong; as if giving the public more criticism power for age gaps over 3 years helps my cause. Don't get me wrong, I've tried to feel differently. I've attempted to divert my unwanted feelings by ignoring them or simply calling it a bromance, or gushing about him on TV to discreetly release them. (Guess what? If it's love, that doesn't work. And it didn't) 

I've been so confused with relationships over the years that I've created a 3 step system to know when I have it bad (and when to run away)

**1.** _I feel the way I feel for over 3 months. I've known Tom for almost a year._

**2.** _the way I feel makes me talk about them in public all the time (check)_

And lastly, [a relatively new one,]

**3.** _The way I feel leads to being depressed and hopeless._

When you no longer want to wake up without them next to you, you_ know_ you've got it bad and you're in trouble. Lately, I haven't been getting much sleep, good days are far and few. I'm never lonely when we're together, but I feel alone in his absence. He is on my mind at least 3 hours of every day and trying to combat it proves to be more difficult than playing a character with a mask. On my own, I function on autopilot, but when his gaze touches my horizon, the turbulence sends me crashing into the trees and rubble of fear and uncertainty. 

As usual, I refused to accept that I was done for, and when I did eventually come to terms with such, I pushed and scolded myself into believing I was just love hungry. TRUST ME, PLEASE, I wish to say that me liking Tom Holland is an overstatement, but it isn't, not at all, and now that I've come to terms and accepted that, it's making me absolutely miserable.

... And because it's making me miserable, I haven't been myself. Everything I do has lacked effort and enthusiasm. So, I've finally decided to stop being a coward and do something about it.

************

It's taken me 3 weeks to man up and decide to do it; the sooner he knows the quicker I can get over it and we can move on, as it typically ends out. I'm more scared of his reaction than being rejected; forever fucking up a friendship is worse than temporary pain. Although I have a feeling that Tom would be fairly excepting and let me down easy, you can't predict the future, so I won't let the future predict me as I have before. Be prepared for anything, even the positive. This is something I haven't quite mastered yet (I'm trying)

It's the night before Tom and I scheduled to practice our lines in my hotel room. I lie down and imagine all of negative outcomes; 40 minutes of failures, defeats and sorrows. After my self confidence dropped lower than an illiterate kid's reading level, I set the negative aside and left room for good. There wasn't much I could scrounge up, but I did it anyway, pondering that he would feel the same and be just as excited as me, thinking that I might have a chance.

But whatever happens, I'll be calm. I'll be direct and respectful and aware of boundaries. I'll keep my cool, but this time,_ no matter what, _I will keep the pride and determination I have in myself; not only for the sake of my public image, but for me, myself and I. 

* * *


	2. Repress, Now Express

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's now or never [or a very long time] and I've never been more nervous in my entire life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! This was prewritten but I'm adding in, not sure how long it will be, sorry! [editing made it significantly longer holy god]
> 
> COMMENTS ARE MY LIFE, leave one!

* * *

_"Tom?" _I call his name hesitantly, my demeanor lacking any confidence I had before yesterday. He looks up from his script, surprised, his eyes two oversized, beautifully brown question marks.

"Yeah, Jake?"

I almost back out then and there. My mind stutters. I can no longer comprehend what to say, so I sigh and twiddle my thumbs together, like a child. "Are you... alright?" He asks, gently, more than likely noticing how pathetic I look.

"Well, I sure do have a lot of lefts."I reply softly, sheepishly. Tom raises his eyebrows, unamused.

"I just... I was wondering... May we have a serious discussion?" I attempt on sounding assertive, but my tone manifests as uncertain and meek. He nods hurriedly, setting his papers down on the lampstand and moving closer to my chair. I gulp, trying to ignore the sudden proximity. 

"Of course we can, you dunce." His accent was thicker and stronger on the last word. _Cute. _"You don't even have to ask. What's bothering you, mate? Is everything alright? You look really uncomfortable, do you want a break from our–"

I raise my hand to stop him.

"Nothing is bothering me– I mean a lot of things are bothering me! Wait, I mean..." I rub my hands together and clear my throat, trying again.

"Yeah... you see, something is bothering me and I– I wanted to inform you of it, if that's okay. "_ Inhale. Exhale. Repeat. _I lean forward in my chair to meet his steady, concerned gaze.

"So, uh, over the years, I've been taught to be honest with my coworkers so everything can go smoothly on and off set and whatnot. I've learned from my experiences that the only way to prevent miscommunication is to communicate and be honest, so now I'm being honest with you for the sake of... well, important things." (Our careers, our amazing friendship... my sanity)

"I usually hold such conversations for work purposesonly but- it is bothering me as well as decreasing the value of my work." [And my sanity, again]

His eyebrows furrow together. "Did I- did I do something, Jake?"

I rush to interject. "What? No! I mean, yes? Yes. Kinda? Well, I thought you should know, anyway, regardless. So um..."

This is it- I've set up the game and now I must play. It's too late to forfeit; from this point on either I win or I lose, but at least I played the game. It's now or never [or a very long time] There is no backing out and I've never been more nervous in my entire life. 

My heart attempts to jump out of my throat. I swallow it down. My palms shake and sweat. I wipe them on my jeans and clasp them together. My eyes want to dart to the wall. I stare into his eyes directly with as much seriousness I've ever been able to express on my face to fixthem.

_We win, we lose, we all fall down. _

"So, it would only be fair for you to be aware that I have a rather... Uh, intense, nonplatonic infatuation with you, as in, um, ... intimately."

<strike> _[SomebodykillmesomebodykillmesomebodyKILLME_</strike> <strike> _]_ </strike>

"It would be unfair for this to affect our friendship or work together, so I am asking of you to let this slide by quickly and smoothly so we can both move on from this situation, eh Tommy boy?"

_I did it. Oh god, I did it. _I did it and my logic is screaming **no no no **but my hopes are whispering **wait and see wait and see **and somehow it's louder then the no's and every other unwanted thought I contain. 

Seconds tick by. I avoid eye contact. My legs begin to shake and I cross them, the suspense almost making my nerves forget how to. 

From the corner of my vision, Tom blinks. He blinks again. _blinkblinkblinkblink. _Baffled- he's baffled. I no longer remember how to breathe. I attempt to intake air, but nothing comes in. _I can't breathe. _Then, in the midst of my panic, he chuckles nervously, scratching the back of his head. The chuckles become laughter and laughter becomes Tom wheezing on the floor, choking on air.

_Does he think this is funny? _

No matter, I can't help what's contagious (him) A smile molds its way onto my mouth. A brief _ha_ escapes my lungs, filling them with the air I needed moments before, and before I can keep track, the two of us are on the floor in hysterics, shaking and leaning on each other and grinning like little girls and _ha ha ha haaaaaaa ha__._ We sit and chort and giggle and wheeze for what feels like hours.

He eventually wipes the tears from his eyes and coughs a few times, getting himself under control. The laughter lines on his forehead crease. He eyes me with wide, shocked, perplexed pupils.

Then I realize that isn't a comedy skit- it's real life; the punch line is over. It's really me who the world is snickering at. The curtain is closing, I'm on the other side and I know I'll never make the cast. My muscles tense. I could throw up at any second now. He feels my body's uncommon shift and swallows unealiy.

We're both no longer laughing.

* * *


	3. Accept Or Deject

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I posted chapter 3 a long time ago but I absolutely hated it, so I'm reposting after a massive edit. I'm not sure if I like this either, so lemme know if you do! Also make sure to check out my other TomXJake fic: Dark Night; A Shining Star.

"I'm sorry," he says timidly.

"but are you joking because it's hard for me to tell and I don't want to get super serious if it's all a joke and if I do, oh man that would be really embarrassing and-"

  
"No, Tom." I say, my voice thick and heavy- so heavy I can barely speak. "No, I'm not- I'm not joking."

Ever wonder what Tom Holland would look like as a ghost? Well, for starters, his mouth drops halfway in an 'O' shape, his eyebrows touching the ceiling as his eyes nearly jut onto the floor, and finally, his face strains of color- a face so bewildered and perplexed that it's almost beyond human. 

  
"Oh." He breathes.

Oh? Yeah, damn right, oh. Oh no, oh God, oh why did I decide to do this, oh how am I going to fix this! I keep my eyes to the floor, my body stiff and my mouth thick with fear. 

"Oh." He says again, proping himself up on the hardwood with his elbows, his tone softer- clearer. "Oh, so that– that time in that interview from 2006 when you said you wouldn't be scared if you liked a dude?"

  
"I never lie in my interviews."

  
"So you meant that?"

  
"Yeah."

  
"And all the times you praised me in public? Did you mean that too or was it just for the cameras? "

"Um...I- "

  
I fumble with my hands; my lifeless gaze seeming to pierce a hole in the floor. Maybe I shouldn't have said anything, maybe everything would have been fine if I kept my mouth shut, maybe I've already fucked everything up and I've already gone too far-

_No. You aren't allowed to give up. Courage. _

"Of course I meant it, I meant everything I said, why would I lie about something like that? I don't lie."

I must have done something right, because all of the color comes back to his cheeks instantly, almost overly saturated. The sparks come back to his eyes, too. He seems... excited- happy, even. 

"People do that to themselves sometimes." He mumbles, mostly to himself. "Did you? Lie to yourself, I mean? Is that why you haven't said anything for this long? Does it make you uncomfortable or something?"

_What does he mean by- oh. _

_Speak before you can can even stop yourself. There's no going back now, might as well throw it all out there. _

"I haven't lied to myself; I've had this feeling ever since I met you, and when I did, I knew I was in for it. I tried ignoring it, that didn't work and when it didn't I just vented to the media because they wouldn't know if I was serious or not anyway, but then that didn't work either. I've tried everything to not feel this way, I've tried- everything. "

"The truth is, it doesn't make me uncomfortable Tom, it makes me _scared_. The truth is, I've been so insecure about messing up the friendship for so long that I've restricted myself from even thinking in that way-" I suck in a breath, slowly turning my head in his direction. 

"But nothing has worked; because not even I can keep me away from you. Nothing can stop my ears from tingling when I hear your voice or my chest from ricocheting when you're around; there is no planet- no universe big enough to contain the amount of jubliance I feel when you laugh or smile- nothing can contain my whirling thoughts and heightened insecurities when they're about _you,_ Tom- and there's no stopping that tiny voice in my head that keeps chanting 'maybe, maybe you're not crazy- ' "

"I've finally accepted that- and now I can no longer keep it in, so I'm sorry. I know you don't want to hear it and you don't feel the same and it makes you uncomfortable, I just needed you to understand why I've seemed distant- maybe we should cut this short-" 

"Hey," He soothes. "Jake, it's okay." He reaches forward towards my paralyzed state, brushing his fingers across my arm as a way of reassurance. At this point, I can no longer breathe. I intake whatever air I can get with a rapid _whoosh_, momentarily tucking my head between my knees. _Breathe Jacob. 1234 in, 1234 out. Woosaaaa._

"I'm okay, I'm okay." I assure him, attempting to rise off my feet. I begin to stand- he reaches out once more, restraining me.

"Wait, Jacob. Don't- don't go."

"Why shouldn't I? I've wasted our time, I've made this awkward and there's no reason why I should stay here, even though it is my room. You can look around, I need to take a walk or something. I'm really sorry Tom, I-"

He cuts me off by pulling at my elbow with rapid force, dragging me down on top of him in a fumbling pile of limbs. I land jaggedly over him, our heads bonking together at an awkward angle, noses brushing. My left hand rests a few inches under his right arm, holding me up and taking the weight of the fall. The rest of me... Well, not so much. The contact sends fire shooting down my veins. I scramble to get away before I can make any more bad decisions, but his palms shoot up to grab my jaw, fingers sneaking around to the back of my neck, holding me in place. 

_Oh. Shit. Somebody save me. _

_"_Um." I breathe, gently tapping his chest with my index finger as an indicator. "Some space maybe, Tommy?" But he doesn't budge, his eyes containing some sharp, determined resolution. _He almost appears angry, _but there's something about his gaze that tells me otherwise. 

_But why is he looking at me like that? _

"Jake." He starts, and his voice is low but soothing and barely above a whisper. 

"Y-yeah?"

"First I would like to point out that I have made this even more awkward, just noting that incase it makes you feel any better."

I back my head away a few inches to snicker. _He's not wrong. _

"And I'm probably also making you extremely uncomfortable, so there's that as well." I swallow nervously. D_efinetely not wrong. _

"Um well, l you, I, I mean... Yeah maybe, but not because-" 

Tom smirks. "I know, it's not fair, I know. This seemed like the only way I could get your attention...but uhm, I think I'd like to talk now, if that's okay with you."

_This is it. Time to roll with the punches, Jake. _

I nod, bracing myself. 

"Of course you can. Go ahead, shoot." 

"Great! Well, for starters..." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DUN DUN DUN CLIFF HANGER MWAHAHAHAAAA


	4. This Air so Thick and Heavy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> End of cliffhanger WITH ANOTHER CLIFFHANGER

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've had this as a draft for over a month now. I know it's rather short and chopped, but I wanted to get something out to you guys. I'll probably edit I in the future so no worries!

"I think that your... confession was utmost endearing. So you have no need to panic that I hate you or anything, I don't think I could if I tried." His face flushed slightly, and he coughed, momentarily turning his head in embarrassment. "I was... kind of hoping you'd say that, honestly. I'm shocked that you actually did, that you actually... Um. Reciprocate."

"Reciprocate, really? Really?!" I blurted my excitement out a little too aggressively, so I tried again, clearing my throat. "I mean, _really? _Because that's really- that's _awesome._.. if you mean it- wait, does you saying that mean what I think it means? You don't need to tell me that to save my feelings, I can take it, I promise. I just don't see how you could or why, and I'm not sure if you're only telling me because I brought it up, I still feel a little guilty about that-"

"Hey." Tom shifts us so his back is propped up against the couch, my weight propelling on either side of him, his palms still wrapped around my neck, except slowly trailing up to my jaw. He smiles softly and taps his finger against my cheek. "You worry too much, you know that?"

"Only about you."

He seems to stutter for a moment, his pupils widening to gawk at me, _into me, _with hard strung wonder. " Yeah, I meant it." Tom whispers, like if he speaks any louder, his voice will float away. "Of course I do, I never lie, remember?" He says, referencing my previous statement.

"I wouldn't joke about something like that. I'm so relieved that you beat me to it. If you thought that you were embarrassing, then I can't even imagine what I would have been like." He shifts his eyes. 

"And we both know that if I didn't mean I what I said, we wouldn't be here having this conversation."

"I'm just surprised this is happening at all." 

I let out an amused breath, rolling my eyes. "Is me being in l- liking you really so hard to believe?"

"Is me feeling the same so hard to believe?" He retorts, tilting his head. Our banter pauses for a moment, both of us silently leering into the other's eyes like we're trying to suck memories and truths straight out of our heads.

"Yes." We both say simultaneously, laughing at our impeccable timing and breaking the strain of silence. 

It was quiet once more, only, this time, the air was tense. It shifted into something thick, something hard to ignore- something I've been trying to ignore ever since I met him. The only difference is that now I'm not the only one who feels it.

It makes prickles of sweat gather up on my forehead and causes my throat dry up. It pushes Tom's other palm to glide upwards to hold my face between both of his hands. It forces us to become agonizingly aware of our own heartbeats, and sweat, and dry throats, and shaking limbs. Our flushed cheeks and battered composures. It erges for touch, for clarity, for understanding. And now we are both heavily incased in that air, with no where to go but into it. 

Tom stutters, his breath like steam rising from a hot surface. "U- um. Do you- is this- what are-"

I snicker, shifting to drape my arms around his shoulders. "I- I guess that depends." I say, translating his stuttering. Do you want to?" I realize the implication of my words too late, and when I attempt to explain, he's already scrambling away, his face as red as the costume he wears on set.

"UM! N- not that! Are you referring to _that_\- because if that's what you're suggesting then nooooo-"

"No Tom, not that!" I hiss, exasperated. 

"Well how was I supposed to know that when you weren't specific!?"

"I couldn't specify because YOU weren't specific! How am I supposed to correctly decipher a bunch of gibberish?"

He narrows his eyes. "Good point... Are we having our first argument now already?"

"We've argued before." I reason. 

"No no," He mumbles. "Our first argument as..."

"As what?"

"As a pair."

... Oh.

"Is that what you were asking about?" 

"Yes, I didn't know how to word it so-"

"So you didn't."

Tom snorts. "H-hey, I tried, but you don't understand how difficult it is! I'd like to see you do better!"

"Noting how I confessed to you in the first place, I do know how difficult it is and I DO think I CAN do better! "

"Oh really? So do it then, since you're all high and mighty mister macho

manifesto about it-"

"... Mister macho manifesto?" I tease, bits of laughter breaking up the words. "That's the best you could come up with as the terminology for my confidence?"

"S-shut up." He rebukes. 

"Tom..." I ask, hesitantly. "Is that really what you want though? A relationship? With me? Because you know that I only told you all this so you'd know about it and we could move forward. This doesn't have to turn into anything, we don't even have to talk about it anymore-"

"But I want to talk about it!" He jolts across the floor, lunging at me and ejecting the air from my lungs in the process. " And that's what I want. I've been waiting for this so long- I was honestly never going to say anything about it to you, because I was scared-"

"but you did it for me, and it wasn't fair to make you doubt and wonder and contemplate and... and you've probably been miserable over this, haven't you?"

I bite back a wince. "Suffering, but just a little."

"And I'm sorry I wasn't brave enough to end that suffering sooner. So let me do that now. I... I care about you, immensely, Jake, and I'll be here whenever you need a reminder. How your previous relationships have gone doesn't matter. I might be young, but I'm no stranger to how precious the present is- enjoy it. Enjoy it with me."

My mind slowly translates the weight of his words, and when I have them all encrypted into my memory, I smile. "If that's really what you want, then of course. I don't think I've ever been happier."

"And nether have I."

**Author's Note:**

> WILL BE MORE.  
COMMENT. 
> 
> Hope you enjoyed :]


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